I miss Kurt Cobain. Has it really been thirty years?
Thirty years ago today, it is believed to be the day he sadly died by suicide (we wouldnât hear the news until April 8).
While Nirvana was absolutely a big deal at the time, the esteem for Cobain and the band has become legendary over time. It is interesting to consider that their output wasnât extensive, 3 full-length albums, 1 EP compilation, and 1 live album before his death. Of course, with the benefit of hindsight, it is easy to see that two of their albums, Nevermind and In Utero, ranks among the absolute best albums of the 90s, and their live album is possibly the greatest of all time.
While they are one of my all-time favorite bands, I would be remiss if I didnât mention that my Brother was the one who bought Nevermind first. I donât remember what I bought on that day instead, but I do remember borrowing/taking/stealing/grabbing his CD and absolutely wearing it out. While its ubiquity has robbed much of the power it had in 1991, but Smells Like Teen Spirit largely ended any support I would have for glam rock, deservedly so. And I was only 14 then, same age as my child now.
Kurt would have hated the latter-day accolades. Contrary to his stated opinions, one of my life Hot Takes is that the production on Nevermind by Butch Vig is near perfect. Having gone from small indie label Sub Pop to major label Geffen to increase the bandâs profile (something that would not be done today), the marketing muscle of David Geffen with a clean production mix is largely what turned songs inspired by the Pixies into large arena anthems. I genuinely think what Kurt didnât like was how much that album became the Anthem For A Generation. He was simply uncomfortable with the fame it brought.
The response was to create a dirtier mix that was less commercial with the help of indie producer extraordinaire, Steve Albini. And while the sound of In Utero is indeed much grittier, it still didnât help the band recede from the front of the grunge stage. The songs were too good, and the record ended up another massive worldwide hit.
That brings us to one of the the MTV Unplugged album, performed 5 months before his death and released 6 months after. I really do believe it is the best live album ever made. One of the reasons I believe it to be the case had to do with lack of conceit in the performance. At the time, releasing unplugged albums under the MTV brand was big business (Eric Claptonâs live record was by far the best selling album of his entire career, for instance). But Kurt and Nirvana didnât want to simply play their big hits acoustic and create something generic and bland. They wanted to dig deep and bring the audience something they werenât expecting.
Kurt famously opened their show with the line: âThis is off our first record. Most people donât own it.â And from there, he channeled a selection of deep cuts and covers, with only Come As You Are the only real hit that they played. They even brought the brothers from somewhat unknown band, Meat Puppets, to help with two of their tracks. A David Bowie cover was released as a single. Friend of the band Lori Goldstone included cello on a few songs. And after finishing, they simply left and commenced the rest of their tour. But the performance lives on, and I have managed to buy it on CD, vinyl, and the DVD which includes the full unedited performance.
Whether he liked it or not, Kurt had a unique songwriting gift. Try as he might to dive deep into his varied punk and his non-commercial rock influences, he seemed to have quite an instinct for melody. Even his harshest songs, tracks like Territorial Pissings, Stay Away, Touretteâs, and Radio Friendly Unit Shifter, have this mean but accessible quality that hooks you as a listener. And his quieter work, well, any rock radio station is playing those classics many times every day.
But the notoriety certainly got to him. I would like to think he was a fellow introvert, and the spotlight was simply glaring to him. I definitely remember the Metallica/Guns Nâ Roses stadium tour, when they were looking for a top-notch opener. And they asked Kurt if Nirvana would do it. Despite the millions that would have been on the table, he turned it down (For those who donât remember, all-time personal favorite Faith No More ended up being the opener).
It isnât clear when he got into heroin, or why, but it should be noted that virtually every rock group in that era had at least a couple members who were hooked, and some paid the ultimate price for the addiction. It is known that Kurt fought the drug pretty hard, alternating between using, quitting and rehab, and giving in to the withdrawals. At the time, people unfairly labelled him as a junkie, only 15 years before the modern prescription opioid crisis hit and ruined millions of lives. I would hope people would have much more empathy now that fentanyl is killing thousands of people every day.
I was 16 when he passed, and my long-term tastes in music were all set by the rise of the grunge era. I canât really say if Nirvana was truly my favorite band at the time, because of course I loved Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, and a non-grunge tip of the cap to Nine Inch Nails. But in the years that would pass, it was Nirvana I came back to most, and the relative small size of their catalog was the biggest hole in my musical heart.
It was also a concerning time for parents, as we were just leaving the 1980s satanic scares and the McMartin preschool trial. So I remember the news sounding the alarm to parents to talk to your children, and a very awkward conversation our Mother initiated making sure we werenât going to off ourselves because Kurt did. Even though that wasnât a thing, as the hours passed, and seeing Courtneyâs awful speech at one the tributes in Seattle to him, it became progressively more sad.
And what if Kurt had stayed with us, and Nirvana continued? I believe Nirvana would have loved the advent of the indie rock era. Had they come around 10 years later, they probably would have stayed with Sub Pop, now the It label for indie, and stayed in those confines forever. I have no doubt the music would have remained solid.
AndâŚ..there would likely be no Foo Fighters as we know them. Dave Grohl long attributed the success of his work with the Foo by writing in the background songs that he never would have had the courage to take to Kurt for Nirvana. Perhaps at some point, the band would have taken a break, and he would have had an outlet, and perhaps Everlong still sees the light of day. But it is strange and a little sad to consider that his death ended a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame band, and created an opening for the formation of another Rock and Roll Hall of Fame band. Something tells me that Dave today would have sacrificed Foo Fighters to keep Kurt and Nirvana together.
As with too many artists lost too early, the legend of Kurt Cobain created a lot of oddities after his death. Courtney Love, while by far not one of my favorite people ever, was unfairly blamed for Kurtâs suicide. A cottage industry of conspiracy theorists had every piece of flimsy evidence to state the death was staged and he was murdered, or somehow claiming two people wrote his suicide note. But the real truth is, Kurt was a brilliant, troubled, genius, depressed, guy struggling with drugs, the pressure of fame, and obvious depression. Shortly before his death, he ran away from his rehab center in Los Angeles and somehow flew back to Seattle the same time as Duff McKagan. Most of what Duff has shared in the years since checks out. Kurt was struggling, and was struggling to get help.
Kurt Cobain was, besides a talented guitarist and songwriter, a great guy. He frequently expressed kind and accepting words for people from all walks of life, and in a world where intolerance of others continues, he was ahead of his time. His hometown of Aberdeen displays âCome As You Areâ on its city limit signs, and Kurt meant it. There is even video of him stopping a performance to single out a fan who was groping a girl in the audience inappropriately. He spoke to Advocate magazine in an era when other straight performers would have been insecure about it. Thirty years later and marginalized people are still struggling for acceptance.
Kurt ended his note by recalling Neil Youngâs lyric, âIt is better to burn out than to fade away.â This inclusion was very tough on Young for a long time. And I would just like to say, Kurt, we love you, but we disagree. Burning out in life means there is so much you miss out on, and the world would have been a lot better these past decades with you.
Important Note:Â If you, a friend, or loved one, are having suicidal thoughts of ideation, seek help immediately by dialing 988 or chatting on the 988 Online Site.
T.M. Schultze is a San Diego-based photographer, traveller, and writer. He writes, photographs, and draws things of the outdoors that have inspired humans for thousands of years. He co-authored the Photographerâs Guide to Joshua Tree Park which can be purchased here.