I Have Been Testing Next-Generation Camera Gear – I Will Tell You All About It

Something I don’t talk about much is that my position in the larger field of photography enables me to test new, upcoming, camera gear.  I have some thoughts and ideas to share about this work I do.

Many have heard of programs like Nikon Professional Services (NPS) and Canon Professional Services.  But like the famed American Express “Black Card,” there is an additional Nikon service that is invite-only.  I received such an invite and sure enough, the membership card is black.  While this exclusive club is not to be spoken of publicly, I found that they failed to sign and notarize their Non-Disclosure Agreement, so I am free to speak about this group without penalty.  While we are not supposed to say its name (like Voldemort), it is called Nikon Extremely Professional Services (NEPS).

Here are the latest cameras and gear I have been testing:

Nikon D950

And here you thought that DSLs were going away, and Mirrorless cameras were taking over the world.  Taking over for the beloved D850, this model is packed with new features:

• 150 megapixel images with separate R, G, and B, captures.  Expect single images in the 1 gigabyte range.  Nikon will sell a 1 terabyte add-on drive that fits into the hot shoe.  With their normal markup on accessories, the drive will cost $2000.00.
• AI is built right in!  This is quite exciting.  Expect your images to be sharper, brighter, and more engaging.  AI mode will determine you have a flat image and randomly insert sun stars, fake lens flares, fireworks, and other pleasing effects.  While these are controlled by AI and cannot be edited by you as a user, they will result in just that perfect shot you didn’t know you needed.  In addition, since they know you want to be part of a larger community, AI automatically uploads all of your photographs to OpenAI servers so your intellectual property can be easily trained on Dall-E and other Large Language Model programs.  This mode also automatically reports your images as Royalty-Free to the US Copyright Office.
• New Android-Based Camera OS with ARM CPU:  Nikon originally tried to work with Apple to include iOS, but Apple was busy working on their car and declined further development.  Instead, Android will run your new camera.  Because of this, all firmware updates are distributed by your cell phone carrier of choice and guaranteed to be 2 years late.  But hey, you may be able to Root your camera, now.  Your camera will now be able to play Doom.  Unfortunately, with the Android OS, it will be unable to properly interface with your iPhone and all images your cell phone pulls from it will be Green.
• Instagram Mode:  One of the key value-adds to this camera is its aggressiveness in building a social media following that you won’t be able to monetize except for getting attention.  After each click of the shutter, this Mode instantly posts your photo to Instagram and all other connected social networks.  Instagram Mode also includes random hashtags and an inspirational quote that may or may not have anything to do with your image.  If you choose the long-form option in the mode, it will also include a fake personal story of trial and tribulation to really tug at your followers’ heart-strings.  It also automatically adds popular music and publishes additional fake details into your Instagram Stories.  Your following will be huge in no time!
• New “Film Mode”:  Want to be a real camera snob?  This is easy now!  Just switch to the F Film Mode, and your images will instantly output hazier and grainier with no work needed at all.  Shouldn’t you “get it right in camera” anyway?  The image metadata will also claim it was shot with a Nikon F5 and scanned on a Fuji Drum Scanner.  Nobody will accuse you of “going digital” when your metadata clearly shows film!
• Bird Mode:  Tired of creating 1,000 actuations a day just to get 1 bird in flight?  Look no further!  With the $999 Bird Pack firmware add-on, enabling Bird Mode will automatically add Hawks, Eagles, Pelicans, Cormorants, Hummingbirds, and many others to every image.  Basic Bird Mode will only add Crows and House Finches, but it will give you a great start.
• NFT Mode:  This is a required module in the new camera.  Some controversy has started over whether there is a kick-back scheme going on.  This mode will automatically take your image from camera, publish it instantly on OpenSea as an NFT, and provide 70% of any of the proceeds to your Nikon Savings bank account.  In addition, all images will be delivered to Getty servers for instant microstock publishing.  License 100 images with them for a year, and you will get a taxable 1099 for 99 cents.
• Milky Way Mode:  This cool new feature inserts an over-processed and over-saturated image of the Milky Way into any of your images.  You can do this with night images, of course, but you can also do this with daytime landscapes, flower portraits, feature the Milky Way behind birds in the sky, or even while you are cooking in the kitchen.  Get that Milky Way into all of your shots!  It is expected that this mode will be a huge hit.
• New Manufacturing Plant:  To save money due to inflation, all production of this camera has been moved to North Korea.  Because of this, the warranty now is limited to 50 lifetime actuations.  In addition, warranty replacement includes a Kodak Funsaver only.

Nikon D7

Interesting enough, this camera features the exact same features and specs as the Nikon D950, but is offered at twice the price.  The goal of this camera is to increase profit margins and provide insecure people with a new item to show off on social media.

Dealers, including Adorama and B & H are also offering to lease this camera for 90, 180, and 365 day terms.  The goal is to get those same insecure people to show off that they “own” this camera on social media, and allow them to immediately return it for lease credit.  A firmware update for your current camera will include Nikon D7 in the metadata so people will never know!

Nikon DF2

This is the camera everybody is going to want.  It includes no features at all.  It is just a high-end digital camera, with a great full-frame sensor, accurate meter, and no other add-ons or modes that nobody uses anyway.  Because of this, this is a true purist digital camera for the discerning photographer.

However, despite the fact that the expensive R&D to add silly camera features in their line of cameras is not present here, the list price on this camera will be $12,000.00.  The battery grip will retail for $800.00.  Because the absence of features is, in fact, a feature, a premium will be charged for this model.

Nikon Lenses and Accessories

• Nikkor 6-600mm f/1.4 lens.  Why carry that huge bag with various lenses?  Why all the bulk from the 14-24/24-70/70-200 holy trinity?  This new lens from fisheye to getting a grizzly bear a mile away is the perfect way to capture everything with a single lens!  When purchasing this lens, Nikon also offers a partner-discount of 10% with Ford, since you will need their F350 to house this lens.
• Nikon Mount Adaptor Adapter:  Inspired by Transformers, this must-have accessory will wind up on every photographer’s camera body.  The Adaptor Adapter senses which lens you are attempting to attach, and then reformulates itself to fit the correct mount.  Works for Nikon F, Nikon Z, Canon, Sony/Minolta, as well as Leica and Hasselblad mounts for that yard sale where you found a weird expensive lens.  Because the Adaptor Adapter is created exclusively with 3D printing, it has a warranty of 2 lens changes only, after which you will need to purchase a new one.

This wraps up all my updates about the work I have been doing on Next-Generation Camera Gear.  As always, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this April Fool’s joke.

Further Reading

Additional April Fool’s Absurdity

tmschultze

T.M. Schultze is a San Diego-based photographer, traveller, and writer. He writes, photographs, and draws things of the outdoors that have inspired humans for thousands of years. He co-authored the Photographer’s Guide to Joshua Tree Park which can be purchased here.